by Minister Christine Kramer - Originally published in Volume 48, Issue 1 - Spring 2004
To the world at large, submission is a foreign concept. In fact, it’s generally frowned upon. Women’s movements, such as the National Organization of Women (NOW), despise the very idea of a woman submitting to a man on any level. And to describe anyone as submissive is like calling them a weakling, as far as the world is concerned.
But such opinions as the world has should not matter to us. Romans 12:2 implores us, “...do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Remember, believers have a higher calling, and that higher calling requires us to lower ourselves.
First things first, what is the meaning of submission? In the Bible, the word hupotasso is used, which is primarily a military term meaning to rank oneself under another. This also means to defer to the opinion or authority of someone else. I think it’s interesting to note that the definition says to rank oneself–not to be placed there–but to place yourself there.
IT TAKES A STRONG PERSON TO SUBMIT
It takes a strong person to submit, because submission goes against our flesh, and we must overcome the flesh that wants to have it’s own way. Our ultimate example is always Jesus, and even He had to submit to His Father’s will. Why should we be any different? The very lifestyle we live as Christians calls us all to submission, both men and women alike. Looking in Ephesians 5:21, Paul first calls us all to be “submitting to one another in the fear of God.” So it is God’s desire for us–men, women, married, single–to honor, to serve, and to subject ourselves one to another. As we do so, we reflect Jesus Christ–which removes all selfishness from us. When we are willing to submit, and are ready to dedicate ourselves to honoring God by yielding to and respecting others, then we are truly in His will.
But the subject at hand is marriage, and more specifically, submission in marriage. Ladies, God is the Author of marriage, and His desire is that we submit to our husbands. It is as simple as that. We always have a choice in the matter, as we do in everything. We can choose to obey God’s will, or we can choose to walk our own way. But do we really want a marriage made of our own design–or do we want the work of art that God designed marriage to be?
“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (I Corinthians 11:3). God, in His wisdom, designed marriage to have the man as the head. Author Elisabeth Elliot, “The Shaping of a Christian Family”, describes her father’s headship in her home as a child: “Head of the house did not mean that our father barked out orders, threw his weight around, and demanded submission from his wife. It simply meant that he was the final one responsible.” This is what is meant by I Corinthians 11:3. The wife is accountable to God for submitting to her husband’s leadership, and the husband is accountable to God for his leadership in the home. So our husbands answer to God for leading, while we answer to God for following. Hmm, ladies, which would you rather answer for?
THE TWO-HEADED MARRIAGE
I’ve heard it said that, “Well, the man might be the head, but the woman is the neck that turns the head!” In other words, they are saying that the wife is really the one in charge. This is not in God’s plan. I’ve also heard, “Well, our marriage is a partnership. One is not the head of the other here!” Really? So you have a two-headed marriage? Something that is two-headed is considered abnormal and grotesque. A marriage that God has designed is a thing of beauty, orderly, natural, and functional–with only one head. Probably the most common thing I’ve heard is women jokingly saying that their husband only thinks he’s the head of the household because they allow him to believe that but they are really in charge. How sad for them (the wives) is this is true. They are missing out on the blessing of being a submissive wife, and are contributing to the breakdown of the family as a whole, as this world continues to mix up the roles of husband and wife.
The funny thing about submission is that it cannot be forced on you–oh, it can in extreme circumstances–but let’s face it, if you are submitting in deed only, and under duress, and not in your heart, then you are really not submitting. So let me take this moment to admonish husbands–do not take this teaching as a reason to nag and remind your wife of how she has to submit to you. If you really want her submission, then work on submitting yourself to God, and having the heart of Jesus Christ for your wife. When you are in God’s will, then it will make it easier for her to be in God’s will.
As we discussed above, you will answer to God for your leadership skills, not for whether you were able to force your wife to follow. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Show me a man who treats his wife as Christ treats the church, and I will show you a wife who is happy to submit to him!
Having said that, wives, do not use your husband’s lack of perfection as an excuse, saying, “When he treats me like Christ would, then I’ll submit.” Listen to the words of the Apostle Peter, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives” (I Peter 3:1). In other words, a wife’s submission can preach a powerful sermon without any words necessary!
GOD’S HOLY PATTERN
One thing I’ve learned about submission, through my own marriage, is that although it isn’t always easy, there are great blessings in store for you, because you are in God’s will. Hebrews 8:5b, “...make all things according to the pattern...” We always assume this simply means the pattern of government that God has for His church. But God’s government also applies to the family, and He has mapped out His pattern accordingly. When we build our marriages according to our own patterns–“Well, this is what works for us”–we take ourselves outside of the will and protection of God.
The one and only exception to submitting to your husband is if he is asking you to violate God’s Word. If your husband tries to lead you into something illegal or immoral, go to a trusted pastor or counselor for help. Okay, so now we know that although no one can force us to submit, it’s the only choice if we want to be in God’s will. But how do we go about bringing this submissive change into our personalities? Just knowing that you must doesn’t make it happen! Look to Ephesians 5:22 to get you started: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord” Aha! Stop thinking of submitting to your husband as something that you do simply to please him–but do it unto God, to please your Lord and King. Colossians 3:23 says, “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.” Now, apply that scripture to giving honor to your Lord by your submission to your husband. Doesn’t that feel good?
No?...It doesn’t feel good yet? Don’t worry, it will. Maybe the main reason wives have a hard time submitting is because of fear. This world teaches us to be in control and we are afraid of what just might happen if we give our husbands the power to do things his way, instead of our way. And how far does this submission have to go anyway? In everything, yes, everything. “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).
Ouch! But, fear not, and have faith! Faith is the opposite of fear (Mark 4:40). Having faith in God will give us the strength to submit. The holy women of the Bible who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. We also can be like them if we do good and are not afraid of any terror (I Peter 3:5,6). And what beautiful women we will be! “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
DO IT AS UNTO THE LORD
Still, the how to bring about these changes in ourselves needs to be further spelled out. First, give yourself the best motive by taking to heart what Titus 2:4,5 says: “That they admonish the young women to love their husbands...that the word of God may not be blasphemed.” None of us want to blaspheme (to discredit or dishonor) the Word of God–remember, Jesus is the Word. That right there is motive enough for me!
Second, make the decision in your heart to dedicated yourself to submission as God's will dictates. Write it down in your Bible - Today (Date) I decided to follow God's will for my life by submitting to my husband. Write the reference Titus 2:4,5 beside it just to remind yourself why you are doing this.
Third, cultivate respect in your heart for your husband. God stated in Ephesians 5:33b, "Let the wife see that she respects her husband." Even at times when you don't feel respect, show it. In fact, show it when he is not around by never passing up an opportunity to bless your husband in public. Praise him, both to his face and behind his back. But do not, I repeat, do not talk about him disparagingly to anyone - no, not to your best friend, not even to your mother -or his mother. We'll talk about this more in a future column, but trust me on this because God has been showing me why this is so important. Have you ever been around a woman who doesn't respect her husband? One who complains about him, nags, picks, and disagrees with everything he says quite publicly? She corrects him, interrupts him, and struggles with him over every detail? ("No, no, no - your uncle moved five years ago, not seven!") Do you really want to mold yourself to be like her? Cultivate respect for him publicly and privately, and you won't become that bitter woman.
Fourth, create a positive atmosphere in your home by responding positively to him. This can be a hard one, but train yourself to do it. Let the fruit of the Sprit (Galatians 5:22,23) be your guide. If you are not willing to let him make decisions about the little things, do you really think you'll hand over the big things as well? Putting your own will aside is a good training exercise. Even Jesus had to set aside His will in the garden before His crucifixion. It may not be comfortable, we may have to step out of our comfort zones in order to make this work. This doesn't mean that you have to be without your own thoughts or opinions but there is a time and a place for them and in the end the headship is still your husband's.
I would implore you not to ignore or dismiss this teaching simply because it is uncomfortable for you. We all know that the only way to grow spiritually is to move away from our comfort zones when the Word of God requires it. Remember, your husband is part of God's plan for your spiritual growth, your personal fulfillment, and your protection. Ever time you chose to honor, submit and bend to your husband’s will, you are doing it until the Lord and your character is enriched.