by Bishop David Kramer- Originally published in Volume 50, Issue 1 - Summer 2006
We live in a society in which the very foundation of our families is being challenged. If you read or watch the news you know that the institution of marriage–the union of a man and a woman–is being challenged by gay activists. They seek to change what God has instituted in His Holy Word. I believe this new movement will eventually come down to the following question: Will we allow the Bible to govern us as a society? And of course the activists will say absolutely not!
The Scriptures tell us that Satan is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. One of the ways that he has been devouring Christians is through their marriages. We should not be surprised at this because as Christians we are on the front line for attack. While we acknowledge that we are involved in a war, we often fail to prepare for attack. The Barna Research Group found that professing Christians have at least moderately higher divorce rates than the general population, including atheists and agnostics. Twenty-seven percent of those describing themselves as “born-again Christians” are currently or have previously been divorced compared to 24 percent of the general population. I would like to encourage us to strengthen our marriages so that we will be able to withstand the attack of the enemy.
NOT MY MARRIAGE
One of the greatest deceptions of all times is the belief that you cannot be deceived–or, that you are above deception. It is when we are convinced that we are invincible that we become the most vulnerable. What kind of general would engage in a war without a battle plan? One that would have little hope of winning. However, as Christians, we routinely enter into the spiritual battle for our marriages without giving it a second thought or without any preparation.
The ultimate example of how a marriage should work is found in Ephesians 5–the example of Jesus Christ and His Bride. Now I don’t want us to get all spiritual here and forget the practical guidelines that Jesus gives us. What does Jesus as the Husband do for His wife? First, He provides leadership. Second, He loves His wife and gives Himself for her. Third, He loves her as much as He loves Himself. Fourth, He nourishes and cherishes her. Fifth, He is one with her. Also, Ephesians 4:8 tells us that He gives gifts to her.
YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW
A distraught man brought his wife to see a marriage counselor. The woman was listless and unresponsive. After about 30 minutes of futile attempts to counsel them, the counselor walked over to the woman, pulled her up from the chair, wrapped his arms around her and gave her a passionate kiss. The counselor then turned to the husband and said, “There, that’s all she needs, about 3 times a week.” The man paused for a moment and then replied, “But Mr. Counselor, sir, I can only bring her in on Thursdays.” No one has the power to save your marriage except you.
The Bible tells us that we reap what we sow. The word invest means to commit money in order to earn a financial return. If you want to reap a rewarding, fulfilling relationship with your spouse, you must take time to invest yourself to making this goal a reality. One of the biggest ways to damage your marriage relationship is to ignore it (one of Satan’s favorite marriage-destroying tactics). Bishop Lavell Craig once told me this important truth: “If you don’t love and cherish your mate, someone else will.”
One common error that married people can make is when they fail to treat their spouse with the same dignity and respect that they would treat a complete stranger. I recall one minister who made it a point to open doors for women, stand when a woman left the table, and be a perfect gentleman to women. However, he failed to provide this same gentlemanly courtesy to his wife. Needless-to-say their relationship was hurt by these actions. As married partners, we should treat our spouses graciously. Do we show forth the characteristics of the fruit of the Spirit to our spouses (Galatians 5:22,23)? Many of us would not think of ignoring someone when they walked in the room, but we fail to greet our spouse when they return home from work. We must realize that each time we fail to honor and respect our spouse we allow an opportunity for Satan to get a foot-hold in our relationship. Do we respect strangers more than our beloved soul-mates?
One author put it this way, “Too many married people treat their spouses one way and their friends another. You don’t have to answer this out loud, but if you treated your friends like you treat your spouse, would you have any friends? What tone of voice do you use with your spouse?”
IT IS NOT GOOD....
It is important to understand that when God created Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden He created them both in His image. Therefore it stands to reason that when a man and woman come together in marriage, they fulfill each other, and together they create the image of God. Together the man and woman fulfill needs in each other that bring out the best in both of them. It is important to understand that this is God’s will for mankind. If you find yourself a victim of divorce, or you are single, it does not mean that you are incomplete or half of a person. Just like God intended for man to live a sinless life, He did not discard or abandon man after he sinned. God does not abandon us if we are single or divorced. Consider the example of the Apostle Paul. Here is a single man whose work on behalf of the Gospel is second to none. And, the Bible tells us that God divorced Israel. God knows the pain and agony of being divorced.
“A theology of marriage must be more than a sundry list of Scripture verses on the topic,” according to Dr. Rick Perrin, Senior Pastor of Cornerstone Church in Columbia, SC. “We must develop and draw from a comprehensive understanding of God’s creation of male and female, why and how ‘the two become one flesh’ and how this ‘mystery,’ as Paul calls it, is so significant as to represent Christ’s relationship with His church. If we do not live from this position we are not different from the world around us, and maybe worse when it comes to divorce.”
One of the benefits of marriage is that it should serve as a ‘safe-haven’ for both partners. The book of Job records that a man’s life is filled with trouble–few of us need that scripture to determine this truth. God has designed the institution of marriage to provide nurture one to another. As a husband or wife you should be able to confide in your spouse. Your relationship should be a place where you can lower your defenses and share yourself fully with your spouse, knowing that you are accepted and loved for who you are, and that you don’t have to pretend to be anything else. If you can provide this safe haven for one another, you are well prepared for any trial.
WHAT CAN I DO?
One of the keys to a successful marriage is communication. Most of us know from experience that it’s tough to communicate during tough times. Even the smallest trials can drive a wedge between a husband and wife. And if small conflicts can divide you, think how much more some of the devastating blows of life can push you apart. Here are some reasons why trials are a threat to communication:
1. Trials isolate us in our own thoughts.
2. Trials invite denial or the belief that you can handle it all alone.
3. Trials leave us feeling that no one understands.
When you face times of trials and pain, asking each other three critical questions can help you to keep communication open.
1. “What’s the problem?” At first glance, this answer is obvious: It’s the trial itself – cancer, bankruptcy, rebellious child, layoff, etc. But here’s our point: First, the problem isn’t us. We’re on the same side. The problem is something outside of us, and we are battling it together. Second, the problem is something we can name and tackle together.
2. “What do we need from each other?” After you have defined the problem, ask yourselves what kind of help you need to solve it. Identify areas where you have the strength and know-how to support each other. Do you need the other to step in with a decision? Do you need some space? How about comfort and encouragement? Perhaps you need your spouse to brainstorm with you or to seek God’s truth with you in His Word and through prayer.
3. “What kind of outside help do we need?” Resolving a trial or crisis is often beyond your ability and resources. In the case of marriage-threatening trials, in fact, this is always the case. God wants to put other people in your life to lift you up. Your task at this stage can be as concrete as making a list of the people you need and what they can do for you.
The greatest resource to meet your needs, of course, is God. He is the ultimate answer for your every need. God also gave you your spouse to comfort and support you. Christians have the resources of God’s church, the body of Christ. And God surrounds you with other people–family, friends, neighbors, physicians, counselors–to help you through trouble. Even if you don’t have the skills to meet your spouse’s needs, you have a wealth of resources at your disposal. Take advantage of them.
IF YOU DON’T TAKE TIME FOR YOUR SPOUSE–SOMEONE ELSE WILL
If we accept that God created mankind, we must also accept that God created our sexual desires. While many factors may work against romance in a marriage–children, careers, church, stress, etc.–ignoring this area of marriage will leave both partners unfulfilled and open to the temptations and trials of the enemy.
Romance in your marriage is not always about sexual intimacy. It is about recognizing that you and your spouse have a relationship that is separate from your family, your church obligations, your duties at work, your household chores, etc. and that this relationship needs attention. Many couples become so involved in their families or even their ministries that the relationship with their spouse is regulated to the bottom of the totem pole. How many have heard of people who have been married for years, raised a family, and once the children left the house decided to divorce because they didn’t like each other? It is obvious that they did not invest in their relationship to the same degree that they invested themselves into their children, church, work, etc.
I am not about to tell you specifics on how to bring romance into your marriage. This is an area where you and your spouse should have the expertise. As far as I know no one held a gun to your head and made you marry each other, right? You obviously were attracted to each other enough to enter into the covenant of marriage. I have watched many people try to copy what other couples do to have romance. For example, most “romance authorities” will tell you that you should give flowers to your wife. When I give flowers to my wife she couldn’t care less–she places them in a jar and we both just watch them die and think, “What a waste of money!” However, I know what makes my wife happy. I know what things to do for her that might appear meaningless to others. My point is the need to identify the areas that please your spouse and take time to do those things.
If you still need inspiration here are a few ideas:
1. Separate work from private life.
Call “time out” on church business. Date night or bedtime is not the opportunity to rehash a committee meeting or critique a sermon. Make some days (and nights) off-limits for discussing ministry issues. You make wedding vows as well as ordination vows, so give your relationship the attention it deserves.
2. Seek and you shall find the time.
Maintain a regular schedule with a weekly lunch or breakfast to discuss family “business” and a date night for fun and relaxation. If regular dates seem impossible, take a hard look at your calendar and make the necessary adjustments.
3. Be creative.
Come up with new ways of showing interest in your mate. Take a moment to list your spouses favorite things (books, activities, hobbies, etc.) and regularly surprise him/her with the things they enjoy. It can be as easy as purchasing a new tape they wanted.
4. Set the stage for continuing romance.
It helps to dedicate the bedroom to rest and intimacy alone. Store bedroom clutter in a hall closet and keep your bedroom free from laundry, bills, sermon notes and the like. Make it an attractive place to recover, relax, sleep and be together.
Romance will not fade, and the flame of your marriage will not grow dim if you regularly invest small acts of tenderness and consideration. Making room for romance will keep the one you love the true love of your life.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
In talking to men and women about their relationships for over twenty-five years on radio, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, one of America’s top radio talk-show hosts and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has found that women no longer understand their own ability to create the relationships and family life that they truly desire. Years ago women knew how to create and maintain a happy and well-functioning relationship using their so-called “feminine wiles” in benevolent and mutually satisfying ways. Today, women have replaced these feminine wiles with disdain, hypersensitivity, criticism, bullying and nagging.
According to Schlessinger, “Most of the women who complain that they are not getting what they want from their husbands should stop and look at how disrespectful and disdainful they are of them. They should also look at what they put their time and energy into at the expense of him and their marriage.” Dr. Laura says wives would be stunned to realize that they try harder to impress strangers than they try to impress the person who is supposed to be the most important to them.
As for the men, the scriptures tell us, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). In their book, Fit to Be Tied, Bill and Lynne Hybels point out that the first verb in this verse is in the Greek present imperative tense. Hybels says a more accurate reading could be, “Husbands, keep on treasuring your wives.” This is a command from God, not a suggestion.
How do we express our love for our wives? We make sure that they realize they are the most important relationship in our lives next to Christ. A dynamic, ongoing love affair with our wives will help us stay faithful and pure in our thought life. When our hearts and eyes are focused on our wives, we are simply less likely to stray.
With society’s attack on conventional marriage on the rise, Christians can no longer ignore the importance of promoting and encouraging Bible-based relationships. And, as Christians, we can no longer place our marriage relationship at the bottom of a long list of priorities. If it often said that the church is no stronger than it’s families. I believe that a family is no stronger than the marriage on which it is founded. We are engaged in a war. Satan wants to destroy our marriages. While the pace of life seems to be ever-increasing, placing more and more demands on our time, let’s recognize the importance of our marriages and develop a strategy of investing ourselves in each other to be able to withstand the enemy’s attack.