by Bishop David Kramer - Originally published in Volume 48, Issue 1 - Spring 2004
We live in a very image-conscious society. We are bombarded by television and printed media telling us how we should look and what will make us successful and subsequently, happy! We even have television shows that take a person and through surgery and medical procedures completely transform them into “beautiful people”–according to our society’s guidelines (“Extreme Makeovers”). If we are not careful, we become more concerned with the outward image of ourselves that we project rather than our inward man. In other words, we do things to make people think we have it all together and are successful–we do things with the wrong motive. As Christians it is important to remember that God does not look on the outward appearance of man, but on the heart.
OUR IMAGE OF SELF
“The problem arises when we serve our image of self rather than allowing God’s plan for our lives to resonate.” The second commandment says, “You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:3). And our immediate answer is, “Amen!” We would not bow our knee to a pagan image, and we will not even associate ourselves with any representation of a pagan god (statues, art, etc.) We have convinced ourselves that this is one of the 10 Commandments that we don’t have to concern ourselves about. Have you ever thought, “That is one commandment that is not really relevant today and only pertained to those Israelites wondering in the wilderness”? The truth of the matter is that it may be one area that has been hindering our walk with God and our relationship with our family.
In the Old Testament we find the story of King Nebuchadnezzar. We know the story of how the king made a golden image of himself and set it up for everyone to worship–thank God that we are so far removed from that story–right? The truth is that we are a lot closer to this story than what we realize.
John Sanford put it this way, “There is no sin which does not involve idolatry. If we steal, we have valued whatever we took more than God. If we commit adultery, we have elevated that woman or that man as more important to us than God. If we choose not to be in church, we have made an idol of whatever we wanted more than obedience–pleasure, business, repairing the house, laziness, etc. If we do not tithe, mammon is our god, no matter what we say. We may protest with our lips that we love God, that we are born anew, that we have all manner of wondrous experiences with God, but we have not put our money where our mouth is, all our beliefs and experiences testify only to God’s grace, not our faith.”
If we are not careful we are prone to construct an idol of ourselves based on our fleshly desires. We envision in our mind’s eye what kind of person we are, what kind of automobile that person will drive, what kind of spouse that person will have, and what kind of family that person will have. We focus on this image and work hard towards making this image (or dream) a reality. This is not necessarily a bad thing, we all need a vision or plan for our lives–in fact, God has a plan for our lives. The problem arises when we serve our image of self rather than allowing God’s plan for our lives to resonate.
OUR CHILDREN–INNOCENT BYSTANDERS
As I mentioned earlier, we can do good things for the wrong reasons. Encouraging and motivating your children is a good thing, and it is part of living a healthy, successful life–including our Christian walk. However, if you motivate your children to propel your unfulfilled desires, or to compliment your prowess as a parent, it is not a good thing. Instead of being motivated by love for your children, you are motivated by how your peers perceive you.
If God has blessed you with children, you know that each child is different and has special needs. Just like God the Father knows each one of our individuals needs and deals with them, we must deal with our children as individuals, not carbon copies of ourselves. If we are honest we will admit that we as parents become most upset with our children when their actions reflect poorly on us. In other words, their actions defy the “image” that we constructed of ourselves. Have you ever heard–or even used–the phrase, “No son/daughter of mine is going to act like that!”? What has upset us so? Is it because our child did something wrong and it may be harmful to them? Or is it because they have embarrassed us and tarnished the image we have created of ourselves and even them?
How do you know if you have created an idol of self that you are trying to protect? Just like with King Nebuchadnezzar, when someone messes with your idol, your fury or wrath becomes heated 7 times more. I recall an instance when one of my daughters was being defiant to her mother. I was sitting in the living room and they were arguing in the kitchen. As any good father would do I yelled the final decree: “Stop back-talking your mother and do what she says!” (and I didn’t even have to get off the couch to dispense such wisdom). Now my daughter turned her back-talking to me. So after a few back-and-forth shouts, I jumped up from the sofa and ran to the kitchen to confront her. I was furious because she had challenged my authority. As I rounded the corner into the kitchen I suddenly found myself airborne as my sock-clad feet slid on the linoleum and I landed flat on my back in the middle of the floor. Now everyone (including my faithful wife) was laughing at me– except me. Of course that made me all the more mad, and now I was sore to boot. The point is that I became furious when she challenged my idol, and I reacted in anger, not love. How many times have we as parents made fools out of ourselves because we acted in fury, rather than love?
THE BLESSINGS OF OUR ANGER
How do we know if we have unconsciously been ensnared by our idols? By our furies or anger. Whatever we defend with rancor (bitterness, resentment) is an idol. Whenever our furnace becomes heated up “seven times more” (Daniel 3:19), we can be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not God nor anything noble we defend but our own idolized honor! What we get mad at tells us where our hidden idols are.
Anger which rises as love in the Lord for the other (righteous anger) always comes in the husks of compassion. Physically we feel such anger as a burden in the chest and a flame of anointing love about the head. Anger which arises from the flesh in defense of an idol physically pulses in the temples, sweats in the palms, gnaws the stomach, shortens the breath, and we may feel hot all over. Angers which rise so that we can recognize them, whether or not we successfully control them, reveal to us what idols need to be smashed on the cross. When no idol is present, we can die to self, share our wisdom, and be gracious.
WE FOCUS ON THE BAD
Oftentimes as parents, we find ourselves focusing on the bad aspects of our children rather than on the good. Our society is driven the same way. The evening news is filled with the reports of bad things that have happened during the day. Occasionally they will throw a “human interest” story in the lineup for variety. When’s the last time the networks interrupted their regularly scheduled programing to report something good?
If we are not careful, we will unintentionally focus on the “bad” things we see in our children. What things? Bad attitudes, bad grades, bad (different) hair, bad clothes, bad housecleaning habits, etc. It’s easy to find yourself involved in this downward spiral. How do we react when the darling, apple-of-your-eye daughter, becomes a teenager–ready to assert her individuality and to test the boundaries of her loving parents? All of a sudden that straight-A, beautiful, mostly-obedient little girl becomes a head-strong, belligerent, you-can’t-make-me stranger. What’s a father to do? Why, become a police man, right? We become investigators–assuming that every action has to be scrutinized–and that she is guilty until proven innocent. We know one thing for sure, no daughter of mine is going to act like that!
WHY ARE WE SO UPSET?
This type of reaction can of course put a huge rift between a parent and child and put a strain on your home life. As parents we are naturally very concerned about our children’s actions and the subsequent effect that they will have on their lives. But we are often concerned about something else–how our children’s actions are reflected on us. When our children don’t perform the way we think they should, it tarnishes our idol of being a great parent.
It is not until we become
aware of our idols and renounce them in the name of Jesus that we can change our approach to dealing with our children. One of the first things we should do is focus on the good things about our children. Take a moment to list all the bad things that your child is not involved in. We need to discover our children’s positive attributes and focus on encouraging that behavior. Make a point of complimenting them on their achievements and endeavors. If you need some motivation, just remember how much God encourages and lifts us up without constantly reminding us of our faults.
As we change our approach to our children, they will recognize it and change their approach to us. We no longer need to be the policeman, investigator, or prosecutor–we just need to be loving parents. This does not mean that we turn a blind eye to our children’s disobedience. What it does mean is that our children must know that we love them unconditionally, regardless of their performance or actions. Sound impossible? Just remember how God loves us.
One of the things that often bothers us as parents is our children’s lack of interest in school (how quickly we forget our own disinterest at their age). When our children perform well in school we are the first to share the news with everybody–in other words, we are very proud. However, how many of us when bragging about our children’s performance are actually saying, “Look at me–I am a great parent because I have raised a very smart child.” While we of course are delighted that our children are getting a good education we can also be polishing that idol of our self that we have erected.
BAD GRADES MUST MEAN BAD PARENTS, RIGHT?
Also, if good grades mean we are great parents, then bad grades must mean we are bad parents, right? Wrong! This is one of the dangers of having our idol of self. Our concern for our children is fueled by what we think others will ultimately think about us (“Did you hear about so-and-so’s daughters–they must have been a bad parent!”). If you are motivated by anything but love for your children you are setting the wrong example for them. I am constantly reminded of how God loves me unconditionally–and He has seen every failure in my life–yet He does not condemn me, He encourages me and lifts me up.
Our idols can effect our marriages as well. Until husbands and wives become aware of their idols, much of their life is a teeter-totter of dominance-submission, tit for tat, taking turns at giving in and getting mad. Self-righteous anger is a dead giveaway to the presence of an idol. For instance, if the husband continually comes in from the garden with mud on his feet, a wife dead to self can easily forgive, and her scolding, having no rancor behind it, is a blessing to her husband. But if an idol of perfect housekeeping is being continually tarnished, or an idol of self arises that says, “I ought not to be treated like this!”, anger rather than grace takes hold. Then, however she may attempt to control her vocal tones, her husband will read the anger of her spirit and react accordingly. We cast our own into the midst of the fiery furnace whether or not we know we are doing it. Sometimes we may be totally unaware of our anger, but it is there nonetheless.
REMEMBER WHEN...
There comes a time as a parent when you have to trust God and rely upon Him to preserve and protect your children. We cannot be with our children 100% of the time–but God can. I had to realize that just as God protected me, and watched over me as I was a teenager and young adult, He could do the same for my children. God protected me when I did stupid things. God protected me when I did dangerous things.
I have replaced the idol of myself (the golden image of being a perfect parent and therefore having a perfect child) with the goal of being the best godly parent that I can be. I have to place my trust in God with the faith that if I have raised my children in a Christian home and taught them to love and serve God to the best of my ability, God says they will not depart. I still want what is best for my children–not because it reflects better on me, but for their own happiness. I am still discovering idols in my life, and I repent of them as I recognize them. How do I know when they are gone? Absence of threat usually indicates absence of an idol. The presence of the idol calls forth our fury to defend. However, when no idol is present, we can die to self, and react in love. I have learned to react to my children the way that God reacts to me–with unfailing, uncompromising, and unconditional love.